The Evolution of Hilary Devey

I love Hilary Devey, she is amazing. I love what she is doing for women in business and for women in general.

As such I am slightly horrified at connections my brain made between the appearance of the very wonderful Hilary, Pete Burns and Olga from Dark Crystal.

Hilary Devey

Olga from Dark Crystal

Pete Burns

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Random Thoughts of a McCarthy

I Have Just Been The Perpetrator Of Gesticulation That Has Upset Me…

Shop Man: [takes money] So, he is at home?

Me: No, [placing beer in bag] he is at his friend’s playing drums.

Shop Man: Ah, drums. [hands over change] You? You do music? You singer?

Me: Oh no, I’m an artist, I sculpt; [wiggles fingers in an upward motion, squeezing hands together as if playing an accordion] and I am a writer, [wiggles fingers downwards, hands side by side - quite a lot like Tommy Cooper].

I leave the shop perplexed and somewhat mortified. When did indicating the written word go from pretending I was using a pen to pretending I was playing a keyboard?

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If…

What is the difference between a smoothie and a soup? Surely a smoothie is just a cold fruit soup, and a soup is a hot vegetable (and sometimes meaty) smoothie?

Which made me wonder if that then meant custard was like a hot vanilla thick shake.

if... smoothies were cold fruit soups...

Answers on a postcard please.

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Getting Older (Leopard Print Worn Over Time)

After finding myself wearing double leopard print with leopard print glasses I realised that the older I get, the happier I am to chuck on a whole heap of animal print without a care in the world. By the time I am ninety I will be pretty much indistinguishable from a real leopard.

Getting Older (Leopard Print Worn Over Time)

 

I think this is a common phenomenon amongst women, I think is is known as doing a Bet Lynch.

Leopard print items I own (aged 37)

  • 1 grey leopard print blouse
  • 1 grey leopard print tight t-shirt
  • 1 grey leopard print loose top
  • 2 pairs of traditional leopard print reading glasses
  • 1 pair of traditional leopard print footless tights
  • 1 pair of blue leopard print tights
  • 1 traditional leopard print coat
  • 1 traditional leopard print bra and knicker set
  • 1 pair traditional leopard print knickers
  • 1 pair blue leopard print knickers

 

Please leave your age and list of leopard print items you own in the comments below.

Thanks.

 

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The Right To Bear Arms – Second Amendment Misinterpreted

The US gun law sucks – fact. Putting more guns in more places will not solve gun crime. Putting guns in schools is just fucking ridiculous.

Anyhoo, it occurred to me that this ‘god given’ right to bear arms in the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution and part of the Bill of Rights has been sorely misinterpreted. It was all about fancy dress and having fun, not possessing firearms.  Barrack Obama kindly demonstrates my point…

Barrack Obama showing The Right to Bear Arms

The Right to Bear Arms - it's meant to be about fancy dress, not firearms!

If someone can pass on the message to the US Government, pointing out the fundamental flaw in their interpretation of the Second Amendment that would be great. The picture should help.

Cheers.

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Steak and BJ Day – March 14th

At the request of some fellers who are eagerly awaiting Steak and Blow Job Day on March 14th, I have created a rather lovely design that can be given to a lucky lady in return for a steak and a blow job.

Steak & BJ Day by ChewingLard

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By all accounts Steak and Blow Job day is meant to be some sort of cum-uppance for Valentine’s Day, but also works quite well in the ladies favour I believe – Man does a great job of being lovely on Feb 14th, and a month later, depending on the effort levels of said man on day of forced love,  lovely lady returns appropriate affection accordingly.

In laymans terms, if man produced flowers, choccies and fabulous foods with a bit of Barry White blaring out in the background to honour St Val, on Steak and Blow Job Day lovely lady will be prepared to get in the kitchen, cook up a nice bit of meat and then be ready to take a different type of meaty morsel in her own mouth to consummate the special occasion.

For ladies who don’t like to munch on a  love truncheon, it is highly recommended that all requests for affection on Valentines Day are withdrawn from hereon in!

Steak and Blow Job Day is a perfect antidote to clinton-card-esque romance, and maybe quite fitting given the strange way we honor the martyrdom and torture of St Valentine himself.

One thing that may have been missed out however (which was pointed out by my obviously expectant other half) is that it should be Beer Steak and Blow Job Day.

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Modesty… not a strong point here – Competition Time!

That is why I would like your help.

I have been trying to work out which modesty ‘star’ works best with the porn cards…  let me know which version you think is best in the comments below and the winner will get a card once printed! Woo!

  • Star
  • Something Themed
  • Heart
  • Smiley
  • CCTV Pixels
  • Or maybe just a blain old black strip?

 

Holly – forgot to tell you that your Fanny Drawing is actually in the post and on its way!

 

GOT A BETTER IDEA FOR ADDING SOME MODESTY TO A PORN CARD? GET IN TOUCH!

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ChewingLard Valentines Day Cards

Thanks to the lovely Smutmeister at Smutty Cards you can now buy four different ChewingLard cards online… wooo! These are perfect for any time of year when you want to tell that special someone just how you feel about them, but they are particularly perfect for Valentines Day.

CLICK ON A CARD TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE STORE

you make my minge twinge valentines day cardyou make my tits tingle valentines day card

i hate you valentines day cardthe smell of piss reminds me of you valentines day card

chewinglardvalentinescards

oooh, the cards have landed!

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Fanny Ceramics

Been playing around with some ideas today and the result was quite a pleasing faceless nude on a ceramic tile…

faceless nude

…and an espresso cup and saucer decorated with vaginas.

vagina espresso cup

I will definitely be playing around with that idea some more in the future. I think these would be great as part of the Fine Art Fannies Homewares Range.

 

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Into Watersports?

If you are, then I hope you like my Valentines Day Card design. Love is great isn’t it!

 

the smell of piss reminds me of you

There’s more where that came from too – keep posted as Feb 14th approaches!

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